Alarm goes off at 8.30am. Snooze. 9am. Snooze. 9.30am. Snooze. 10am. Snooze. Wake up at 10.30am. Stay in bed scrolling through Facebook until 11.15am. Drag self up.
Draw on eyebrows. Consider career as make-up artist.
Forage for breakfast. Have a biscuit while deciding what healthy breakfast to have. Blend smoothie. Pride self on healthy breakfast choice. Can reward self with real butter later. Muse upon the possibility of opening smoothie bar.
Think about going for a run. Few clouds overhead, better not risk it.
Ask Mama Bear when she’s going to Tesco. Ponder if a trip to Tesco requires eyeliner.
Scan e-mails. Re-read rejection letters to ensure they weren’t in fact job offers in disguise. Contemplate a cull of inbox holding 1,743 e-mails. Decide to wait until it hits 2,000. Congratulate self on executive decision-making skills. Take break.
Search for jobs online. Chastise self for choosing arts degree. Apply for job as Senior Executive Assistant of Advanced Communications and Technological Content. Also apply for job as Professional Gin Taster.
Calculate meal math and decide 90 minutes is an appropriate gap before eating again.
Browse the internet. Read BuzzFeed article entitled ‘43 Most WTF Moments That Happened on Grey’s Anatomy’. Complete quiz to find out which character from Stranger Things most resembles self. It’s Barb.
Chop carrots into perfectly symmetrical batons. Consider career as head chef.
Flick through camera gallery to find something Instagram worthy. Scrutinise filters to find the perfect one. Settle on Valencia. Establish personal rate as wedding photographer.
Sky is clear now, reconsider run. Decide against it as hair was washed yesterday. Will wait tomorrow so it’s good and dirty.
Boil the kettle. Slap out the theme tune to Countdown on belly while waiting. Consider career as professional drummer.
Doodle on Post-It note. Wonder if one could make a living as an artist.
See Lycra-clad joggers pass the window. Shut blinds.
Reeling in the Years is on, too late to leave the house now. Scrape hair into hun bun. Remove bra. Acquire fluffy socks.
Deliberate on whether to have wine or tea. Already had tea today and it’s full of caffeine…wine it is.
Hold family discussion on what film should be watched tonight. Papa Bear promises selection that includes Ewan McGregor. Turns out to be Ethan Hawke. Switch over after prolonged sex scene and a loud clearing of the throat. Settle on The Bucket List. Sob unashamedly. Consider career as actor.
Decide to go to bed at 12.30am. Wake up on couch at 2.15am with pillow imprint on face. Go to bed. Make mental note to actually get up at 8.30am tomorrow morning.