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October 26, 2015

A Very Irish Hallowe’en

Once upon a time in Ireland, All Hallows Eve was a pagan festival that celebrated the souls of the dead. Families would traditionally share barmbrack, bob for apples, carve Jack O’Lanterns from turnips and start a bonfire. These days, we smather ourselves in Euro 2 face paint and head out to transform yet another traditional feast day into an annual piss-up.

Fret not, however, for our Irish culture has entitled us to the most unique of Hallowe’en costumes. Or so we think. Here are the top five Irish personalities you will see on the streets this Saturday night:

5. Bono
Leather jacket and tinted sunglasses are an absolute must. Slick back your hair and rock day-old stubble. Carry a charity tin around for the night and shake it, asking for regular donations while blaming people for Bloody Sunday. If anyone tries to initiate conversation, tilt your head back and scream ‘Wooooah oohh ohhh’ at the top of your lungs. Sneak copies of U2 CDs into every handbag you see.
4. Conor McGregor
Easily the top young lad choice. You even have clothing options; either etch an elaborate tattoo on your bare chest or don a pinstriped three-piece suit. Caveman beard and hipster man-bun are essential. You must adopt a cocky swagger for the evening and repeat to everyone that you are here not to take part, but to take over. Challenge people to shot-drinking challenges and gloat with your hands over your head whenever you win.
3. Father Ted
A classic. Powder and a priest’s collar will help you achieve the illusion and if you can rope in a Dougal sidekick, a ‘Down With This Sort of Thing’ placard would be perfection. Alternative props might include a whistle, a Golden Cleric, or a bottle of Dreamy Sleepy Nighty Snoozy Snooze. Spend the night refusing cups of tea and trying to get on the television.
2. Hector Ó hEochagáin
Sure look it don’t ya just need a ginger wig and any clothes at all, sure you’re not fussy. Speak a cúpla focail because the teanga is alive and well in the Wesht so it is and we’re all mighty. Hup ya boyo and you’re away! Mad craic altogether.
1. Nidge
Wear a zippie of some sort but include a crown to add a sense of occasion. Scribble King Nidge in marker on the back of your Nikes. Assume a look of general menace for the night, constantly telling your friends ‘I’ll sort it, Trish, alright?” If anyone suspects you’re a real criminal, just reassure them that you’re only here to update your Bebo page.

An honourable mention goes to Aengus Mac Grianna. All you need is a compact mirror and to look truly shocked if anyone glances in your direction. ‘WHAT?!’ Happy Hallowe’en folks!

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