Ah, social media. We’re all swimming in the sick, sick sea of social media. And where would we be without it? Sure, a lot happier, more productive and rid of the crushing ineptitude we feel when we compare ourselves to those who seem funnier/smarter/fitter/prettier than us, but hey. We do also have memes.
I HAVE HAD A LONG DAY… I AM VERY SMALL… AND I HAVE NO MONEY, SO YOU CAN IMAGINE THE KIND OF STRESS AM UNDER pic.twitter.com/up80o54JsU
— ROUND BASARD (@kallokisser) February 16, 2018
Despite the fact that the vast majority of influencers are about as welcome as influenza (not you, James Kavanagh), we’re all still sucking on the teat of social media and we’re finding it hard to cut the umbilical cord.
Given the recent furore over Cambridge Analytica, though, one would be forgiven for jumping on the #DeleteFacebook bandwagon and claiming back their data from Lord Zuck, King of the Dweebs. Albeit, you’d have to be OK with what you’re giving up. Minions? Pharmacy gift hamper giveaways? Someone mistaking the status bar for Google? The knowledge that Siobhán from Irish College is attending an event near you today? Repeated desperate attempts by Facebook to win you back despite the fact that it has proven itself to be a veritable fuckboi?
Indeed, it has many of us wondering if we’ll make the big transformation from A to B. What do I mean by this, you ask? Well, to quote Her Royal Highness Ms Britney Jean Spears, there’s only two types of people in the world: Antisocial Áine or Basic Brenda. A or B. See below.
B actually uses Facebook Stories, uploads photo albums with tags for EVERYBODY and dutifully replies to every gas comment with a respectful crying-laughing emoji. A, meanwhile, thanked everyone for the birthday wishes last September.
There are many iterations of A and B throughout your various WhatsApp groups.
Mam (B) dry-cleaned that nice top, thinks you’re ‘looking good xx’ in every picture and kindly informs you who’s dead. Dad (A) may as well be dead.
B is a strong advocate for the use of GIFs, sending four messages when one would have sufficed and creating tangential groups for minor events. A sees all. But A does not reply. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
B lets you know the ESB is due and asks you if you would like anything from Lidl over and over again, presumably until they die. Double blue tick appears. A ignores.
B tweets and retweets numerous times a day. A retweeted a BBC article back in 2014 and has yet to resurface.
A joined reluctantly because the platform showed no signs of kindly fucking off and they didn’t want to feel left out. With an average of one post to their name, they are generally perceived as lurkers.
You know who B is. #inspo #spon #fitfam #skinnytea #boydonegood #ad #sunset #lovinlife #nofilter #basicbitch #wineoclock #proseccofiend #sothishappened #sureitwouldberudenotto
B is well versed in Snapstreaks, is always ‘Typing…’ and has watched their own story 8 times today already. B? See above for ‘lurkers’.
I’m too old for this shit.
Lead image: The Good Place/NBC