December 2, 2014

Black Monday

It’s nearly the 8th of December so brace yourselves; Irish mammies are coming. It is a well-known fact that the Feast of the Immaculate Conception was created by God so that women could get a head-start on their Christmas shopping list.

Every year without fail, these durable matriarchs take to giant department stores in their droves to stock up for the yuletide period. Any good Catholic woman worships at the altar of Dunnes where tins of Roses are bought in their thousands and food is piled dangerously high in trollies. Do they think we’re going to be living in a bunker for six months? No-one needs that many cans of Lustre pear halves.
Canned Fruit
And that’s just in the food aisles. Beware of the clothing department in virtually anywhere because Black Friday ain’t got nothing on these ladies. There aren’t even any crazy sales to avail of; they just know what they want and they want it now.

Here are a few tips to stay safe this season:

Penney’s is to be avoided at all cost for the month of December. Even if you think you’re just popping in for a few socks, you will end up locked in a fight with Crazy Eyes for the last sequinned dress in a size 10.

Do not attempt to get rid of loose change at a shop counter during busy periods. If you don’t have enough cash, use a card and get out as quick as you can. These women behind you clearly have urgent presidential business to attend to and they will not wait patiently as you lighten the load.

If you see something you like, BUY IT NOW. Chances are it will be gone within the next hour. There is always a Creepy Chloe standing uncomfortably close eyeing up your potential purchase. She will swoop in like a vulture the second you leave.

Steer clear of any woman with a pram. This is their secret weapon and they will use it to manoeuvre by you any way they can. Goodbye toes.

Actually, it may be in your best interests to just buy it online and save the hassle. This is your safety we’re talking about. These women have been professionally shopping for years; they have their walking runners on and a list the length of the Shannon. They will chew you up and spit you out.

Please don’t take any offence; of course I don’t mean YOUR mammy. Your mammy’s lovely.