Hi everyone! After some field research, I have conducted an extensive list of points one must adhere to when called for interview. This is not a tongue-in-cheek guide; I am extremely serious when I say that there are no traces of sarcasm throughout.
Rule 1: Appearance
Appearance is worth about 95% of your interview. If you look like Freddy Krueger, you need not apply.
Don’t wear a red bra and a white shirt, you little heathen. Are you applying to be a full-time streetwalker?
Don’t wear jeans. This isn’t a Dexys Midnight Runners video. Have you nair a nice pant suit with some shoulder pads?
Do wear heels, even if you cannot walk like Victoria Beckham. If you find yourself on a slanted cobbled street and have to abandon shoe outside your potential workplace à la Coppers, so be it.
Approach lipstick with extreme caution: Red = whore. Pink = Barbie. Orange = Geri Halliwell. Purple = goth. Blue = Absolute freak of nature. Best stick with the Carmex.
Hair is equally tricky: Ponytail = basic bitch. Tight bun = uppity bitch. Messy bun = absolute hun. Pigtails = are you f*cking kidding me? Best shave it off.
If you have adult braces, keep all mouth-opening to a minimum. They want to hire a responsible grown-up, not Tracy Beaker. If you cannot conceal them due to their elective luminous colour, you need to seriously rethink your life choices.
Rule 2: Language
When responding to a question, be sure to choose favourable wording and phrases, i.e. sugar-coat the shite out of everything:
You are not living at home, you have temporarily relocated.
You did not previously work at a bakery, you were an Executive Sales and Promotions Assistant, Confectionery Division.
You are not currently unemployed, you are laying the foundations for the workplace of tomorrow.
You are not on the dole, you are reaping the PRSI benefits of previous employment.
Your mam did not light a candle for you, your assistant assured that all operations were running smoothly.
Rule 3: Aftermath
Don’t be afraid to ring numerous times, enquiring about the selection process. Do it as soon as you leave the interview room. Find the respective Facebook profiles of the panel and poke them. Retweet everything they have ever tweeted. Like any Instagram posts from 156 weeks ago. This shows enthusiasm.
Wait patiently by the phone every minute of every day. “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen would be an appropriate tune to play on repeat.
If they don’t respond, assume a Marilyn Monroe-type mantra, such as: If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. Consider e-mailing it to said panel.
If they do respond with a job offer, you must refuse three times before you accept; as is appropriate practice for any Irish native. Upon the fourth offer, you must employ an air of firm self-deprecation and question your ability to perform even the simplest of tasks, for fear of appearing too big for your boots.
Although you are a queen who deserves diamond-encrusted cheques, when asked about salary preferences, you must employ the mentality of a street bucket collector; “Ah sure, whatever you can give me at all is grand.”
I hope you found the above list helpful. If you are still having trouble securing employment, I am currently seeking a dynamic intern to wash my bedclothes. Must have 5+ years of experience, O negative blood and a bob haircut. Position is unpaid but experience will look great on your CV.