October 30, 2014

Damn, Who’s a Sexy Witch?

So it’s that time of year again, folks. (And for the love of sweet baby Jesus, I don’t mean Christmas. NOT YET.) The witching week is upon us and adolescent girls all over the country are making a very important decision: Playboy bunny or rotting zombie?

Ever since we decided we could extend the Hallowe’en dress code past a witch hat and a ghost sheet, we have been inundated with a ‘sexy’ version of practically every costume in existence. It is a simple enough gimmick; hike up a skirt and add a plunging neckline and hey presto! Captain Jackie Sparrow is born.

How did we allow the word Hallowe’en to become so synonymous with sex? Cleavage is now as integral to the pagan festival as the humble pumpkin or plastic spider. Our Celtic ancestors have been spinning in their graves ever since we stopped dancing around a bonfire and started dancing in our underwear.

To the horror of parents and human beings the world over, sexy Frozen costumes hit the market earlier this year. The popular Disney characters that once represented positive ideals for young children are now also appealing to the sleazy guy sitting at the bar. Kids, bid farewell to your childish innocence! And if the sexualisation of a pre-pubescent girl isn’t offensive enough for you, why not try satirising a global health epidemic by becoming a raunchy Ebola nurse? Because the disease itself just wasn’t attractive before the knee-length white socks and latex mini-dress. Don’t even get me started on the range of racy Radical Dictator costumes. Sexy Saddam, anyone?!

To be fair, you can understand the female dilemma. If you’re unwilling to spend time or effort on an outfit that will only once see the light of day, odds are you are going to end up as Sexy Little Bo Peep. With a few sexy sheep.

And for those who actually do venture down the less raunchy route, there isn’t exactly a myriad of unique options either. It’s like taking a stroll through an Aldi aisle of brand knock-offs with such copyright friendly names as Rehab Rock Star (Amy Winehouse) and Flying Nanny (Mary Poppins). One size fits all. IF YOU SAY SO. Your counterparts are rocking the sexy French maid while you’re bopping about in a tent of extremely flammable material.

So, best of luck to you ladies, this Friday 31st. Fellas, I’m sure you’ll all look great as Walt and Jesse from Breaking Bad. Again. As for me, I shall be attempting to emulate the cruel Dog Lovin’ Diva from a movie containing numerous Dalmatian puppies. Any resemblance to real characters, living or dead, is purely coincidental.