February 3, 2015

Hair Today, Bob Tomorrow

New Year, new you! Ladies, it’s time to shear yourselves like the sheep you are and get rid of those locks you’ve spent so long nurturing. Spring is around the corner and much like a break-up or a cross-border move, the changing of season prompts women everywhere to get a new ‘do. And like any living breathing female, you will not be happy with it.

Here’s why; we are never happy. When we have flowing tresses, we want a shaggy bob. And when we eventually go under the scissors, we want it all back again. We enter the hairdressers so naïve and enthused, eager to shed a few inches. But as we sit helplessly watching each butchered strand fall to the ground, we almost well up with regret. Emotional chicks, am I right? Of course, we must NEVER voice our opinions if we are unhappy with the outcome. For some reason, Irish people have deemed this the height of rudeness. You smile through the carnage, pay your money and go home to cry like a good Catholic girl.

I have toyed with my hair for many years and the results have been far from attractive. I’ve unwittingly sported the Nicholas Hoult look from About a Boy. I’ve done the DIY blonde highlights, complete with shower cap and needle torture device. And I only recently relinquished my version of Rihanna red (which was a bit more Sharon Osbourne than I cared to admit). But I filed all of this experimentation under the follies of youth. Surely worth it in the name of maturity and growth? Or so I thought, until my new cropped do inspired Significant Other to compare me to Lord Farquaad from Shrek. Of course, I was aware of this resemblance when the sacrificial offering was taking place at Peter Mark’s. I knew I needed to tell someone I was not happy. So naturally I said I loved it and changed hairdressers.

A charming individual once told me that guys don’t fancy girls with short hair. Seemingly they’d opt for Katie Price’s extensions over Emma Watson’s elfin crop every time because it’s more ‘feminine’. Without any further ado, I wish to nip this argument in the bud by declaring these opinions inherently stupid. The bleached Barbie look must remain in Essex at all times and any gnome who thinks otherwise is unworthy of your time.

Male perspective aside, I will offer some friendly advice: full fringes don’t suit a round face. Pixie cuts don’t suit a round face. And choppy layers don’t suit a round face. Trust me, I know from experience. Of course, if you have an angular chin, pointed features and the cheekbones of a young elf, all of the above will look simply marvellous on you. And I hope you die in your sleep.