October 7, 2014

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

“Fierce nip in the air, isn’t there? That’s it now, that’s the end of summer.” Said every pensioner ever this week. We continue to be fascinated by the phenomenon that is weather year after year despite the cyclical nature of sunshine and rain remaining consistent since the dawn of time.

You can see why people get a little SAD (seasonal affective disorder) when the days begin to get shorter. Spiders the size of small children have started to invade our homes, in search of warmer conditions and a starring role in our nightmares. Stormy winds and status orange reports have turned our glitzy nights on the tiles into grubby nights on the couch. If you’re fortunate enough to live in a coastal area, your scenic route to work will now become a severe battle against the elements through a graveyard of umbrellas. Many working days will actually be spent without catching a glimmer of natural daylight, causing you to wonder if you are indeed in Alaska.

And if all that wasn’t enough, we are psyching ourselves up for the annual epidemic that is man flu. While the female population is lucky enough to escape with a common cold, their male counterparts will be struck down with the deadly disease, causing them to suffer greatly from horrific symptoms that are deceivingly similar to a mild infection. They will require far more attention and sympathy than normal and will be rendered unable to perform even the simplest of tasks without groaning audibly. Man flu is no laughing matter, as you girls will surely be reminded in the coming weeks. Stay strong this winter, brave soldiers.
However, there is also a lot to be thankful for when the darkness begins to loom. For one, all ridiculous summer garments can be discarded as we rediscover our beloved collection of assorted woollies. We are pleased by the joy of once again investing in all-purpose boots and a good winter coat; being aware that last year’s are obviously useless. Penneys is currently struggling to restrain the masses as Irish girls welcome back with open legs the faithful black tight. Shaving in general is to be removed from the beautifying routine as there is simply no longer any need for it. Gillette Venus, we’ll see you in June.

Furthermore, we can indulge once more in the nation’s favourite pastimes of drinking in a dark pub and frequenting the cinema, without anyone protesting that it’s far too nice outdoors for that sort of thing. What was ever so great about the beach anyway? If I derived any pleasure from seeing a pantless child make a crappy sandcastle, I’d procreate myself.

So if you’re still mourning the loss of a slightly warmer climate, snap out of it! The clocks don’t turn back for a few weeks and then you have cosy fires, fluffy socks and yuletide cheer to look forward to. Brace yourself: the onesies are coming.