There comes a time in your young adult life when you realise what the important things are. You begin to envision your future and who might be play the integral roles in your potential family. You feel your biological clock ticking and you wonder if you might be ready to take the next step. Could you be responsible for another being? A significant addition to your relationship? Guys, I think I’m ready. I’m ready for a dog.
Why choose a puppy over a baby? Dogs require care and attention but not nearly as much as a human infant. You can lay down newspapers in the kitchen and leave your dog there for an hour or two, without having protective services on your ass. They won’t resent your very existence as they get older; if anything, their loyalty will deepen. And they won’t bleed you dry. Dogs are very cheap! Once you tackle the initial costs of a licence and vetting, all you need is food and a chew toy. They’re generally over-excited at the littlest of treats, which makes them easy to please. If in doubt, just let them go outside just to come inside again.
Why not opt for a dog over a sparkly engagement ring? Think about it – there is a romantic fever attached to festive proposals, but what happens when the cold harsh light of January hits you like an icicle to the brain? Cold feet will be both a literal and figurative reality. I’d much rather have a German shepherd nestling by my side than a Monica demanding in shrill tones for my input on her regimented seating plan. For the intimate wedding with 300 guests. Romeos, you have been warned. A wife is for life.
Come to think of it, a dog pretty much trumps every traditional Christmas present. New iPhone? It will be obsolete in a few months whereas your dog won’t need an upgrade. Fluffy socks? Magical as they are, they lose their softness after about two washes but your dog will retain his furry goodness, making him the perfect toe-warmer. A bath set? WE NEVER USE THEM. I do not know one person that takes regular baths and even if they do, I highly doubt grapefruit scented glittery fizzy bubble bomb is an absolute necessity each time. Instead, you can bathe your dog, which I’ve heard is great craic.
(Naturally, it goes without saying that the recipient will keep the dog and not allow it to meet the fate of countless other Christmas puppies.)
For the record, I don’t want a Chihuahua or a terrier or anything that can fit in a handbag. I need a big fecker of an animal. I want a giant Labrador I can dance with, or an Irish Wolfhound I can dress up in a top hat and have fake weddings with. Seriously, big flashing message to S.O. – if this isn’t recognised as the biggest hint drop for my Christmas present, then I don’t know what is.