November 4, 2014

When Hairy Met Sally

Happy Movember everyone! The eleventh month is proud host to the annual competition of who can grow the biggest mo’. For men across the country, it’s time to shave that excess facial hair in order to pave the way for… even more excess facial hair.

Once upon a time, in a faraway era known as the nineties, a clean shaven face was the calling card of the handsome man. The more baby-faced, the better; think Leonardo DiCaprio circa Titanic. Paired with a floppy fringe and über-white runners and you were definitely getting the shift. Gillette told us the best a man could get was a multi-bladed razor and boy, we believed it. The smooth visage spelled success and the sprawling beard of his scruffy counterpart was simply a sign of hobo status. If there was even a bristle in sight, you may as well just ask for spare change.

Then all of a sudden, there was a renaissance of the humble facial fluff. George Clooney sprouted a few hairs on his chinny chin chin and the world stood still. Mumford and Sons revived the bluegrass indie scene as well as the hillbilly sideburn. And then there was the rejuvenation of the hipster beard and all hell broke loose. Every guy who once mmm-bopped to Hanson now believed he had the strength of jaw to bear a thundering beard.

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals
Why the popularity? Because ladies love the fuzz. Ask any girl and they rate a beard almost as highly as muscly arms and a Netflix account. It adds a sense of scholarly wisdom, rugged manliness and even an air of mystery. What’s hiding behind there?! It’s also a throwback to the caveman era and if a man can produce an impressive thatch, then we assume he can provide for the entire village. Or at least, look manly enough to scare away potential psychopaths.

Guys, I hate to break the bad news, but not every face suits a beard. I’m looking at you, Brad Pitt. Spare a thought for the follicly challenged brothers whose facial shadow is equivalent to that of a pre-pubescent girl. The struggle is real, for the hipster generation demands not only a light sprinkling of stubble, but a Mr. Twit style beard in which you can house a small family of birds. And a pipe.

So say a prayer for all the Mo Bros this November, that their moustaches shall flourish and don’t leave them resembling a pervert. Or Postman Pat. Or Ned Flanders. Actually does anyone bar Tom Selleck look good with the ole nose neighbour?

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Starting to panic? Just remind yourself that it’s all in the name of charity. And if nothing else, it’s the perfect excuse for some truly awful puns. On that note, I moustache you a question. Never mind, I’ll shave it for later.